Have you ever experienced hostility because
of your relationship? Aside from stares and rude
comments, have you or your significant other had
to deal with abuse from family members?
The three women I interviewed for this
article have.
I
met Carey while my friends & I were waiting in
line at a movie theater.Carey, a 29-year old
stock broker and aspiring writer from Dallas
said her family wasn't supportive of her decision
to marry her fiance James three years ago.
She told me that her parents had the worst
attitude about it. "I think I can best describe
the experience by saying that my father flew into
a rage when I told him and the rest of my family
that I was going to marry James. My mother
actually slapped me and asked if I had any sense.
My two sisters and my brother were all on my
parents' side. The three of them threatened to
disown me if I dared to marry 'that white boy'.
You can't help who you fall in love with; love
chooses you. I tried explaining that to what
I thought was my enlightened family. I learned a
lot about how they really feel about people who
aren't black. I honestly thought my parents would
be cool with it. They never spoke out against
white people, unless they were responding to some
racial issue. I was really eager for my dad to
meet James because they love a lot of the same
things, especially golf. I wanted the same thing
for James and my brother; they both love to play
basketball and the Mavericks, which was rare at
that time. The worst part about it was I didn't
give a damn about what they thought, and that
scared me. Needless to say, I thanked my family
for being honest with me, told them that I'd love
them even if they disowned me, which all five of
them and some other relatives did two days after
James and I got married. I haven't looked back
since, and I'm looking forward to spending the
rest of my life with the man I
love."
I
asked Carey if any of her family attended her
wedding. "My parents came, which was quite a shock
to be honest with you, but they didn't stay for
long. My father came to walk me down the aisle and
told James to take good care of me. My mother came
to take a picture of me in my wedding dress before
the ceremony, but left when it was over. James and
I were both hurt."
I
then asked her how James' family handled the news.
"Fine. I was suprised. Not suprised, shocked. He
took me with him, which really made me nervous
since I'd told my family first and had such a
negative experience with them, and James wasn't
with me. I honestly didn't know what to expect. I
tried to stay in the car, but James wouldn't let
me. He told me that we'd have to face his family
eventually, and they were expecting him to bring
me anyway. He put his arm around me and
practically dragged me to the front door. His
sister opened it and dragged me inside. James
hadn't told me that his sister Julie had a black
husband. He didn't tell me that his family had
already discussed the fact that both he and
Julie were both dating interracially and told both
of them that it was perfectly okay. I had a warm
welcoming, and I felt I should've expected one in
the first place. Now, they're like a second
family. I know that sounds weird, but I lost mine
and gained my husband's."
Carey's story is bittersweet. She got to
marry James, but her doing so came with a price.
She and James have been married for over three
years now, and Carey has spoken with her mother
only once in the past year. Carey's relationship
with her family became a casualty of her marriage
because of her family's unwillingness to accept
James.
I
met Michele at the university I attend. I was
listening to my anatomy instructor drone on and on
about the male reproductive system and how it
affects the male lifespan when someone fell down
the steps beside my chair and landed behind
me. After I helped her into the seat next to me,
we started talking instead of listening, and found
out that we have a few things in common. For
example, we're the same age (19), and we both work
on websites during our free time. I got around to
telling her about my boyfriend and how it's
sometimes difficult for me to be around my family
without them mentioning how white he is and why I
shouldn't be with him. Michele told me that she's
been experiencing the same thing with her family.
They say they're not racist, but in short, actions
speak louder than words.
Michele made the grave mistake of taking
her boyfriend Chris to meet her parents and
siblings one weekend. "I had spoken with both of
my parents about Chris several times earlier that
week, and they both told me that they would like
to meet him. I didn't detect any bitterness or
resentment over the phone, so naturally I thought
it was perfectly okay to take Chris to meet my
family. Big mistake. My brother, who was 17 at the
time, was waiting outside our house when Chris and
I got there. I thought this was a little weird
considering the circumstances, but Chris didn't.
Once we had gotten inside, I thought everything
was fine. My overbearing father was asking all of
the normal questions: What's your major?, What are
you going to do after you graduate?, What do your
parents do?, etc. Chris told them that his family
had strong ties to the Republican party. Then
my parents flipped without warning. My
mother kept repeating things like, "He doesn't
love you," "All he wants is sex," He won't love
your children," and other stupid things like that.
It's not like we were getting married! All I
wanted was to date him, and maybe a little more if
the relationship progressed. My father repeated
the same things and threatening Chris if he dared
to touch me. I decided it was high-time for me and
Chris to leave, so we did. On our way down the
front steps, my brother tripped Chris and spit on
him. Chris didn't retaliate, and we left without
saying anything. We broke up about two days
later." I didn't get much of a conclusion because
Michele stopped talking about her failed romance
and ignored me completely. I guess I shouldn't
have asked her if she'd ever been in an
interracial relationship.
Carey, a woman I spoke with earlier, said
she was shocked to hear about Michele's
experience. She said she understood that Michele's
parents' views were antiquated, but she could not
understand Michele's brother's actions. Some
members of Carey's family have met James,
and although they
each shared the same opinion about
interracial relationships, they did not act on
impulse and attempt to harm James or Carey.
The
last woman I spoke with had a more positive story
to tell. Ashley, also a student at my
university, said her parents were very supportive
of her decision to date interracially.
"I
met Eric during freshman orientation last year,
and we really hit off. I knew I didn't want to
hide my relationship from my parents, so I called
my mother when things were beginning to heat up.
She said that she supported my decision although
she didn't understand it, and told me to bring
Eric home with me that weekend. I have to admit,
my father wasn't exactly thrilled about me dating
Eric at first, but after he talked with Eric in
his office, he said he was okay with it and was
glad that I'd chosen Eric and not some
"gangsta-thug who wore his pants around his
ankles." Eric's parents were equally supportive,
so we didn't have to worry about what our families
thought. We're still together, and my parents
think that's just great."
I
told Ashley about Michele's experience, and she
wasn't at all suprised to hear that. "I actually
anticipated that kind of behavior from my family.
Although it's apalling, I'm not suprised that her
family reacted so badly." However, Ashley's
friends did reacted badly when they heard the
news. But she's no longer friends with those
people and didn't offer anything about her
experience with them, so I didn't ask.
I hope this article helped some couples.
Ashley and Carey both want readers who may be in
situations like theirs to know that they are not
alone.
In Next Month's Issue Of
Balance Everything:
Going Back To School: A
Guide For College
Students
